Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Brazenly functionless things ...

'If the Tower of London ravens are lost or fly away, the Crown will fall and Britain with it.'

So goes the saying. Lucky freaking birds.

Six ravens (plus one in reserve) are 'maintained' within the Tower walls. Such is the absurdly extravagant diet they enjoy that they can't help looking better than any ravens you've seen before. Their menu reads something like this: fresh apples and grapes; liver, lamb, beef and chicken; blood-soaked biscuits; boiled eggs; cod liver oil capsules in the winter and a cheeseboard after dinner. 

When is dinner? you ask. 

When is it not dinner? quoth the Raven.

Of course, this diet pays dividends. Whereas wild ravens tend to live an average of 10 to 15 years, the Tower ravens go for 40-plus.

And so, the Tower ravens make it onto my list of Brazenly Functionless Things Living Wildly Fortunate Lives. As it stands, the list consists mainly of ravens. Fortunately, a handful of religious artefacts also made the list, otherwise I'd have been forced to call it my list of Enviable Ravens

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