All the Crazy You Need

Yesterday I had a job interview in the city.

I figured, seeing as I had some time, I would go in early, sit in a cafe and do some work on the laptop. But when I got there all the cafes were full and noisy. I would have to occupy myself in some other way. So I walked around, looking in shops. I went into Banana Republic and pretended to look at clothes—intensely boring clothes. Before long my legs started to ache. I looked at my watch. I was only 15 minutes into this bright idea of mine. I needed to sit. I spied a set of lounge chairs in the corner. One seat was spare. The rest were occupied by disaffected males, waiting for their wives/girlfriends who were downstairs in the women's department.

I have a wife, I thought. She isn't here, but nobody else knows that. So I sat down. Things went swimmingly for a while. But then I started seeing lone males walking around the shop, looking sideways. Were they looking at me? Were they plain-clothes security? Had they seen me walk in alone? I needed to start playing the part more convincingly. I began looking at my watch, then rolling my eyes, then checking my phone, then looking at my watch again, then tutting. You know how they say, "Act how you want to feel"? Well, before long I was really feeling it. I was annoyed with Shelley for taking so long. Though I had not yet slipped completely into the delusion that she was downstairs, I still felt annoyed. I needed to leave.

But wouldn't it seem weird, I thought, if I just got up and walked out of the store, leaving my wife/girlfriend downstairs? I needed to craft a convincing end to this charade. I decided to send her a text, or at least pretend to. I got out my phone. But as I mashed away randomly at the buttons, I became acutely aware that this was not my most convincing performance. So, for the sake of authenticity, I went into Messages and typed a real text:

"Hey, I'm bored, I'm going to go now. I'll meet you at the station."

It was only after I typed the text that I realised I had gone too far. I didn't press send. I did walk out though. As far as I know, nobody followed me.